What Is Sexual Addiction?
By Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT on Sunday, February 14th, 2016 in Sexual Addiction. No Comments
What is Sexual Addiction
It is important to understand that sex addiction is a “solution” to pain, past trauma, and anxiety – addiction literally becomes a coping mechanism. If somebody starts doing something to cope, and if they do it long enough, the body adjusts to the point that it needs that level of activity just in order to feel balanced.
Typically what happens is that an addict responds to stress by using sex, alcohol, food, drugs, etc. and when the stress goes away the behavior is reinforced. In the above drawing, addiction really isn’t about alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex – it’s about a solution to pain. It is a maladaptive response that has become part of the system and has reached the point where it has become pathological. The addict will use whatever works to take away the pain.
Sex addiction is seldom the sole solution/addiction that a sex addict uses. According to Dr. Carnes’ research, more than 83% of addicts report multiple addictions. The DSM-IV does not include sex addiction under substance-related disorders, but rather in a separate category called Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders. More than 83% of sex addicts report multiple addictions, including chemical dependency (42%), eating disorders (38%), compulsive working (28%), compulsive spending (26%), and compulsive gambling (5%). As a counselor treating addictions, I always assess for multiple addictions rather than just the one presented by the client. As can be seen in the drawing above, if one addiction (“solution”) is eliminated, there are plenty of others to take its place as the “drug” of choice. (Carnes, 2004)
Definition of Sexual Addiction
“A sexual addiction is occurring when the sexual experience has become the driving force of people’s lives to the sacrifice of their health, family, friends, values, and jobs. Sex addicts are people who have lost the power to choose when, where, and with whom they wish to be sexual.” (Carnes, 2 001)
“Addiction is an illness of escape. Its goal is to obliterate, medicate, or ignore reality. It is an alternative to letting oneself feel hurt, betrayal, worry, and—most painful of all—loneliness.” (Carnes, 2001)
A person who is addicted to sex is living in an imaginary, self-created world that avoids the possibility of experiencing rejection or the risk of pain that a real relationship can offer. It is a person’s attempt to avoid the pain often caused by real intimacy. The sex addict is essentially creating a pseudo-relationship with someone/something that can be controlled and manipulated; such as a picture, a video, or a prostitute.
The main issue of sexual addiction is not the need for more sex, rather, it is to control and avoid relational pain. This is similar to how an alcoholic or drug addict uses alcohol or drugs to avoid their pain.
Sex addicts are some of the loneliest people on the planet. Sex addicts desire to connect with others but due to childhood disconnection (or detachment) with their Caregivers (due to divorce, abuse, neglect, abandonment, death, addictions, etc.), the addict attempts to fill the connection with by bonding with/attaching to something/someone “safe” and controllable. The sex addict tries to connect with the “unreal” (or an illusion) than the real connection (God and others).
Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT
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