Couples “Blame Game”

Dr. Neil Farber, CLC, noted in an article published by Psychology Today, October 2010, Guinness Book has recognized “The Blame Game” as the oldest recorded game ever played.  Adam blamed Eve for seducing him into eating the apple.  Within days of creation, blaming became a part of intimate relationships.

Lack of Communication

Couples who come in for Relationship Counseling often start their first session noting that communication, or lack thereof, is a major factor in their relationship harmony. Counselors who dig a little deeper sometimes find that this lack of communication stems from a tendency for each partner to blame the other for the relationship strife.  Statements like “he makes me so mad”, “I’m afraid of bringing up issues with her because she gets defensive and argues with me”, or “if he would just stop his poor behavior, everything would be much better.”

Personal Accountability

With adages like “it takes two to tango” and “marriage is a 50/50 proposition”, why do couples fall into blaming each other for their own emotions, the dysfunction of their relationship or failure to address issues?  Personal accountability will be one of the areas you can expect Relationship Counselors to explore.  Not blaming, but instead addressing the way in which personal behavior has an influence in poor communication or bad conflict resolution skills.

Does one individual resist communication about difficult subjects because they are not able to speak assertively in a way that addresses their concern while also not prompting a defensive response?  Are you unable to control your anger and have subsequently created an environment where your spouse is afraid?   Analyze the statement “my spouse makes me so mad.”  Is it true that your spouse controls your emotions?  Would this statement spark a defensive response?

Assertive Communication Skills

Counselors can teach you that using Assertive Communication Skills such as “I feel angry with my spouse’s behavior”, allows you to express your feelings, indicates that you are in control of your emotions and you get to decide when you feel a certain way and lastly minimizes the opportunity for a defensive response.

If you fall into the “blame game” routinely, ask your Relationship Counselor to evaluate your communication skills.

---