Phone: 303-933-5800

Men and Women Experience Shame Differently

By Steve Marks, MA, NCC, LPC on Wednesday, August 14th, 2019 in Marriage Counseling. No Comments

Shame: Experience Differently

Shame is a very difficult emotion to experience.  Everyone, men and women experience shame at one time or another as it is a very universal human emotion. How we deal with it determines if we get stuck in our shame and cope in unhealthy ways or allow it to be known and handle it in healthy ways.

Do we keep silent and stuff it inside or can we share it with others who we trust and know are safe.  What we do with it can determine a healthy coping response vs a unhealthy coping reaction.

WOMEN

According to Brene’ Brown, Ph. D, LMSW and Shame Researcher, men and women experience shame in different ways.  She states different categories or ways in how women and men experience shame.  Ways women experience shame  found from her research for women are, look and be perfect (image), judgment by others – especially other mothers, feeling flawed and people knowing it, feeling never good enough, act like everything is taken care of when it’s impossible, feeling like they are never they are enough at home, work, parenting, etc., not worthy-good enough.

Unrealistic expectations develop for self and other’s as a result. The thought is, I am not perfect and become depressed, insecure, withdrawn and try to people please (care-take) to try and hide the pain.  They can be perceived by their significant others as not having time for them to meet their needs as they are so busy trying to people-please & be perfect in getting everything else done.

MEN

Brene’ Brown’s studies revealed men on the other hand experience shame in different ways.  It begins with the overall belief that Shame is failure- not good enough anywhere….home, bed, work, society.  It says if you really know me, you’ll know I am not good enough, loveable enough, smart enough- a failure.  Other ways men experience shame is being wrong, being defective, being soft and sensitive, showing fear – being afraid or insecure, criticized or ridiculed.

Men hide these perceived weaknesses and failures by avoidance of intimate relationships (being known), lack of openness, humor, flattery, hubris, work, isolation, anger, addictions – especially sexual addiction such as porn, fantasy, masturbation, strip clubs, prostitutes etc.  Men can be seen as robots, insensitive, indifferent, defensive, angry, bullies, mean etc…by their significant others while being seen as fun to be with from a distance.

COUPLES

In a relationship, both of these appear and are interpreted as uncaring, unloving and indifferent between two people.  However, both are hurting and need help in there shame and fear of being known.  It truly has developed into an intimacy disorder – a fear of being known because I am not good enough to be known.  As the two isolate more in their shame, the relationship grows further and further apart.  Fear based disorders are countered by exposure therapy.

Studies show that these men and women need help being exposed to learning how to develop healthy intimacy.  They can do this through couples/relationship therapy as well as individual and group therapy to safely learn how to practice developing intimacy and learn how to develop healthy, safe and secure intimate relationship with each other.

The following two tabs change content below.

Steve Marks, MA, NCC, LPC

Steven Marks specializes in both couples/marriage counseling and sexual addiction couples recovery and therapy for men. Steven has received specialized training in relationship/marriage and sexual addiction counseling.  He is Clinical Director for Front Range Counseling, an outpatient mental health clinic in Denver and Littleton Colorado.

Recent Posts