Attachment Theory & Relationship Anxiety

Attachment theory explains that our partners represent both a safe haven and a secure base. If our partner is neither emotionally available or responsive, our external world can feel overwhelming and threatening. In helping marriages heal from past betrayal, re-establishing trust is extremely important for the relationship to survive. Inside our own internal selves can feel as if we are in a panic. Our alarm systems are going off with “danger!” “danger!” “danger!”  Our very survival is being threatened. Losing connection with the most important person in our life, our partner, jeopardizes our sense of security.

Insecure Relationships Lead To Panic

Every person in a relationship has felt that panic or fear when he or she has disagreements or fights with the partner. For those in a secure relationship, the panic only lasts for a short moment. The alert subsides as we realize that our partner is still for us and not leaving. For those in a less secure or weaker relationship, the fear can be overwhelming. This kind of relationship fear often leads to either: demanding and clinging with a purpose to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw, put up the wall, and detach in an attempt to self-soothe and protect ourselves. Either way, what we are needing the most (connection, being seen, soothed, safe, etc.) never gets met.

Negative Cycle

The negative cycle starts off and never seems to get resolved. More and more interactions occur, yet nether partner feels safe, both become defensive, and both are left assuming the worst about the other and their relationship.

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