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7 Ways to Improve Your Marriage

By Steve Marks, MA, NCC, LPC on Sunday, June 12th, 2016 in Marriage Counseling. No Comments

Relationship Therapy Denver

Improving Marriage Relationship Denver

Newly married couples are often unprepared for the challenges of marriage (no matter whether they had premarital counseling or not).  When the “honeymoon” phase is over, the real relationship begins and the challenging phase of sharing life begins.  Many marriages begin to fall apart because our culture doesn’t teach couples how to maintain and strengthen the marriage attachment.  Dr. John Gottman provides 7 ways to improve your marriage relationship.  Here are a synopsis of those 7 ideas:

1. Seek help early

Dr. Gottman found that most couples wait on average 6 years before they begin to seek help for strengthening the marriage.  This might be why more than half of first marriages end in divorce by year 7.  Why wait so long being unhappy before seeking help?  It might be because of embarrassment or pride.  We encourage couples to not wait but seek help now.

2. Edit Yourself

Dr. Gottman found that the happiest couples are those that avoid saying critical thoughts when discussing sensitive issues.  I recommend couples think twice before saying something that may be hurtful or received as an attack.  My motto is to “limit the damage”.

3. Soften your “start up”

Dr. Gottman believes it is important for couples to discuss problems “gently and without blaming” rather than escalating the conflict by making a critical or contemptuous remarks.  Start slow and have a focus of listening and understanding the other’s point of view.

4. Accept influence from your partner

Dr. Gottman found that a relationship succeeds to the level that the husband is willing to accept influence from his wife.  The research found that the marriages are stronger when the husband works hard to provide the wife with help and be flexible with his plans.  Dr. Gottman found that women are already willing and able to accept influence from the husband.  Dr. Gottman writes, “A true partnership only occurs when a husband can do the same thing.”

5. Have high standards

Similar to business, couples that have high standards for their relationship are the most successful.  This means not accepting harmful behavior from one another.  Dr. Gottman writes, “Low levels of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship equals a happier couple down the road.”

6.  Learn to repair and exit the argument.

Successful and happy couples know how to exit an argument and fix the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Dr. Gottman found that the following were examples of repair attempts: “using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark (“I understand that this is hard for you”); making it clear you’re on common ground (“We’ll tackle this problem together”); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you often have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way.”  He also recommends taking a 20-minute break if the argument becomes too heated and to come back to the issue when both parties are calmer.

7. Focus on the positives

Dr. Gottman found that successful couples make five times more positive statements about each other and the relationship than they do negative statements.  A sustaining relationship must have a positive environment and make regular deposits to the love bank rather than a negative environment that takes love out of the love bank.  Couples will say “We have fun together”, rather than “I rarely like being with him.”  The focus is on what is good about the relationship rather than focusing on the bad.

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Steve Marks, MA, NCC, LPC

Steven Marks specializes in both couples/marriage counseling and sexual addiction couples recovery and therapy for men. Steven has received specialized training in relationship/marriage and sexual addiction counseling.  He is Clinical Director for Front Range Counseling, an outpatient mental health clinic in Denver and Littleton Colorado.

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