How to Find “The One”
By Tyler White on Saturday, November 16th, 2024 in Marriage Counseling. No Comments
As kind of a sentiment as wedding speeches are, there have been few that have left a lasting impression on me. That is perhaps what made one of the speeches from a wedding I recently attended so memorable and profound. The father-of-the-groom, a retired marriage and family therapist, talked about how in his career he had been asked numerous times by clients as they approached marriage, “how do I know he/she is the one?” Clients, petrified of making a wrong decision, desired a clear-cut answer to this question. If you’re reading this, you yourself may desire the same clarity in an answer.
His answer to the question? There’s no such thing as “the one” before marriage. It is not until you make the decision to enter into marriage with someone where, at that point, they become “the one.” In essence, “the one” is not something that someone is until you make the choice for them to become that. The deciding factor of someone being “the one” are not qualities that an individual possesses, but, rather, a title they hold because you have made the decision to enter into marriage with them.
I recognize this may sound like an unsatisfactory answer, but I hope that it could become a more freeing answer. There are many things in today’s world that are detrimental to marriage, and I believe the concept of “the one” can certainly be added to the list. As conflicts, disagreements, differences, and hardships inevitably enter a marriage, if someone holds to the traditional concept of “the one,” that it is qualities of an individual that make them such, marital hardships can begin to call into question their spouses title of “the one.” This makes the movement towards marital discord and divorce all the easier. All of a sudden, the thought, “this person isn’t the one. I need to go and find the one!” make divorce seem like the logical conclusion.
However, if you hold to the idea “the one” is a title your spouse holds because of your decision to enter into a covenantal relationship with them, then it makes marital discord far easier to manage. You didn’t make a wrong decision. How could you? There is not a person on earth that holds the title of “the one” except for the one person you made wedding vows to. If you are dating, your one doesn’t exist yet because marriage has not been entered into. Fights, disagreements, and conflicts become things to be worked through, not call for divorce. This concept of “the one” works well with the idea that we all choose wrong when it comes to marriage. There is no perfect human. You are marrying someone that is flawed. They are going to hurt, wrong, offend, and frustrate you. None of those things call into question their status as “the one” for you because the reason they have this title is not their ability to make you happy, rather it is the title you have bestowed upon them by entering into marriage with them.
Of course, entering and pursuing marriage with wisdom by asking the proper questions is a good idea. However, the question of, “are they the one?” is not one of the questions that can be asked because there simply isn’t “the one” until you make the decision to enter into marriage with someone. Perhaps, a better question could be, “do I want to make them the one?” This question, while still difficult, gives far more power to the individual asking.
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