The Gift of Being Curious
By Tyler White, MA, LPCC on Saturday, January 18th, 2025 in Christian Counseling Blog Archives. No Comments
In the first season of Ted Lasso, Ted is playing a game of darts against one of the antagonists in the story, Rupert. Towards the end of the game, Ted was talking about how he had been underestimated by people his whole life. For years, this bothered him, but then he saw the quote “be curious, not judgmental” painted on a building. After seeing this, Ted’s realization was that all the people who belittled him as a he was growing up were never curious, only judgmental. He tells the story to make it clear to Rupert that he had been judgmental, not curious towards Ted. If he had been curious, if he had asked questions and gotten to know Ted, instead of simply judging him, he would have figured out that Ted had a long history of playing darts. After Ted finishes the story, he nails a bullseye to win the game.
That quote, “be curious, not judgmental,” I can’t help but wonder how healthy that kind of perspective would be for people to have towards their mental health. Judgement is a breeding ground for shame. Often times, when clients come into my office, their judgmental stance towards their issues is the first thing we have to address. Curiosity towards why one is struggling, as opposed to judgmental condemnation that has already come to a conclusion leaves a much better chance of healing. Judgement wants to be the judge, jury, and executioner in our lives. The verdict is almost never positive. Curiosity wants to offer a road to healing that requires us to look at our lives in a new way.
It is important to state what curiosity is not. Curiosity is not making excuses. Often, when I start to ask clients about their childhood, adolescence, their relationships, the missed expectations, hardships and other topics in their life, they are quick to make it known that they don’t want to make excuses for their behavior. This is their issue that they have to solve. This very sentiment shows the power of judgment. The verdict that judgment has handed down is that they are on the hook. Curiosity is not about making excuses, or placing blame in other areas, it is about coming to a deeper understanding and ultimately healing. In my time as a therapist, I haven’t seen any clients experience change because they became more judgmental with themselves. However, I have seen many clients see change because they have gotten curious.
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