Distorted Core Belief #2

“If you really knew me, you’d reject me”

This second belief derives from the first belief of shame: I am a bad and unworthy person. The sex addict fears above everything else in his life being rejected and therefore, alone. The sex addict will keep secrets, lie, hide, create a false self, tell half truths, and especially pose that everything is fine with him. Yet the sex addict is living a secret life that he fears will be discovered and therefore will result in being rejected and abandoned. Sex Addiction counseling provides safety to tell the truth.

Real Issue With Sex Addiction

One of my group members put it this way: “My neighbor is a great guy. He comes over to my house all the time to borrow tools, my snow blower, whatever. I don’t mind at all. Yet do you know how many times I have gone over to his house to borrow anything? Never! I’d rather go to Home Depot and purchase the item myself rather than be vulnerable and ask for help.”

This client understood that the real issue of sex addiction isn’t simply the sex but rather the fear of being vulnerable and allowing someone else the opportunity to reject him. Having sex with a prostitute, a fantasy partner, anonymous person on the internet, or a one-night stand are all less risky to rejecting the sex addict.

Real Solution To Sex Addiction

Therefore, the solution of sexual addiction must include the sex addict being exposed to developing real and intimate relationships in a safe setting (i.e., counseling group, 12-step group, or church group). The sex addict’s connection with other group members and taking risks to expose the real him yet not be rejected will create new wiring in his brain that he can share the real him and not be rejected.

The sex addict must be willing to take that risk. In my groups, I encourage group members to call and meet one another outside the group setting. I heard one group member state to the other group members in the group, “You are my wolf pack. You have my back and I have yours.” That was his way of saying he felt safe and accepted by the other group members even though each has heard the worst of his past sexual behaviors. His brain is rewiring and now his core belief is “You all know me and yet you still love and accept me.”

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Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT

Sexual Addiction Therapist at Front Range Counseling Center

Kevin Leapley specializes in both marriage counseling and sexual addiction therapy for men. Kevin has received specialized training by Dr. Patrick Carnes and obtained his CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist). Kevin has also received extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and is a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist .

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Distorted Core Beliefs of Sex Addicts: #2