Distorted Core Beliefs #3
By Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT on Friday, May 8th, 2015 in Sexual Addiction. No Comments
The 3rd core belief of a sex addict is “I can’t trust anyone to meet my needs but me.” This belief originates in childhood when the sex addict may have learned to meet other family member’s needs but felt rejection, abandonment, or neglect when it came to his/her own needs being met. Overtime, the sex addict’s defense mechanism is to defensively detached rather than attach. The defensive inner belief may have been “I don’t need anyone!” The reality is that we all have been created for relationship and “It is not good for man/woman to be alone.” To fill the void, the sex addict may begin to connect with fantasies or fantasy partners (talking to self, imaginary person, fantasize about being a rock star or sought after professional athlete, etc.).
The sex addict then may discover pornography at puberty (or earlier) and instantaneously feels less alone in his/her world. Masturbation often accompanies sexual fantasy and porn, which releases chemicals in the brain that dumb, medicate, and reinforces the belief that “I don’t need anyone to meet my needs. I can turn to fantasy partners that will never reject me, abandon me, criticize me, and will always accept and love me.” The sex addict’s brain will always want more, something better, and something different (over time). It will never be enough. The addiction will cause the sex addict to look inward and he/she will isolate from others. Overtime, the sexual addiction may progress to real partners but still be limited in attachment (or bonding). One night stands, strip clubs, prostitutes, or going from one relationship to another. Sex is not the problem with sexual addiction but rather the symptom of a man or woman that desperately wants to find connection but fears the rejection and abandonment that may occur in a real relationship.
Recovery requires the sex addict to learn to reach out for help. This may be in the relationship with a sponsor, group members, counselor, pastor, priest, family members, and friends. The form of reaching out can be phone calls, lunch meetings, sharing in 12-step groups, working the steps with a sponsor, or meeting with a counselor. Eventually, his/her belief changes to “I can’t do life without allowing others to help me. I do believe that others are safe to ask for help and to allow them to help me.” The ultimate goal is to connect with and go deeper in relationship with God. I believe that the sex addict desperately is in search of something spiritual rather than sexual. God will never leave him/her, never reject him/her, and will provide unconditional love that the sex addict has been seeking in every sexual encounter.
Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT
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