Deck the halls with boughs of Holly…and family fights, anxiety, and disappointment.

The holiday season can be full of so much joy and happiness, and sometimes, it can also come with conflict, stressful family gatherings, and pain.

This time of year can be a good time to acknowledge the different roles we play and the masks we wear. These roles help us fit in and fulfill the roles our families expect of us. But sometimes, we find that these roles no longer match who we currently are because we have changed and grown as a person.

Playing a Role

Imagine an actor who is pretending to be Santa Claus for a charity event. He is someone who is excited and honored to play this role in order to help bring holiday cheer to others. He takes his job very seriously, with a twinkle in his eye, of course. Little kids squeal joyfully every time his iconic laughter fills the room, “Hohoho!” He knows that portraying “The Real Santa” for these children comes with a lot of responsibility and he must live up to the honor. The role gives him purpose and helps him feel a part of something bigger than himself, raising money for an organization that will go on to help others. Many children whisper their hopes to this man and he is happy to spread the holiday cheer! Hours later he sits in another room, peels off his fake beard, and lets loose a sigh of relief. “Phew. I am so glad to take this itchy thing off.”

When It Gets Too Hot

This is a great example of what we might find ourselves doing, especially around the holidays around family and friends. We might find ourselves playing a role that may not feel authentic. Maybe this role has been expected of you in your family since you were little (“Family Roles” may include the caretaker, the scapegoat, the peacemaker, the hero, etc.) Maybe you find you mask parts of yourself in order to preserve the peace or to fit in. Eventually, your mask starts feeling hot, heavy, and itchy. It may even feel like you can’t breathe. You may need to plan on finding a way to take off the “costume” and “mask” more often or find a way that you can still show up in a more authentic way.

Things You Can Do

Here are some things you can do that might help you feel more like you are showing up more authentically around the holidays:

1. List the top 5 values that are most important to you. And remember that these are values that matter a lot to you. They are how you see the world and are your “core values.” You may experience a lot of stress and anxiety when your actions/behaviors don’t match up with your core values. So ask yourself and create a tangible plan on how you can align your actions/behavior with your core values. This will help you feel more authentic and help you honor your true self.

2. Practice setting boundaries and decide what you will say or do if people cross those boundaries. Remember, a boundary helps protect and preserve your relationships!

- - Express your boundary clearly and kindly
  - Give a gentle reminder of your boundary when boundaries are tested or crossed
  - Follow through with what you said you would do
  - Examples: (In a kind and gentle voice) “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this right now. I will leave the room if you keep talking about this.”

3. Taking a break, finding moments for self-care and mindfulness

- - Take a walk and breathe in the fresh air
  - Ground yourself: notice 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste.
  - Ask for a hug or words of support from a trusted person that you know has your back.
    - Example: “I really need a hug.”
    - Example: “I really need to hear from you that I am doing my best.”

Next Steps

Do you feel like you are hiding who you really are more than you are being your authentic self? Or, do you feel like you are not even sure who your “authentic self” even is? Would you like to practice setting and managing boundaries? Need help processing family dysfunction? Seeking therapy can be a great way to find healthier ways to find community, live authentically, and figure out what makes you unapologetically and wonderfully YOU!

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Holly Marks, MA, NCC, LPCC

I am passionate about creating safe and supportive spaces where people can be vulnerable, honest, and able to grow. I hope to help clients develop a deeper sense of self-compassion, insight, self-confidence, and the awareness to embrace and find balance within their own nervous systems.

Latest posts by Holly Marks, MA, NCC, LPCC (see all)

Honoring Your Authentic Self Around Family and the Holidays - December 14, 2024

Honoring Your Authentic Self Around Family and the Holidays