Distorted Core Belief 1: Unworth

Dr. Patrick Carnes identifies four core beliefs (distorted) beliefs of sex addicts.  Here is Core Belief #1:

1. I am a bad and unworthy person.

This belief at its core is shame.  Often the sex addict will have thoughts of himself as “not good enough”, “less than others”, “stupid”, “unworthy of acceptance and love”, and “hopelessly perverted”.  I believe that this core belief derives from a childhood that had attachment (bonding) wounds or trauma.  This can be parents that were addicted themselves, distant, gone, abusive, emotionally detached, etc.  The sex addict did not receive the safe and loving connection needed from his parents/caregivers, therefore turned to fantasy partners (porn, one night stands, anonymous sex, prostitutes, etc.) for the connection without the risk of being further wounded.

When this child grows up to become a man, he seeks connections that he can control so he won’t be hurt further by abandonment, neglect, rejection, criticism, etc.  Porn will never reject the sex addict.  He may pay a prostitute for the feeling of being loved without the risk of abandonment.  An anonymous sexual encounter to avoid the possibility of being relational hurt.  All these sexual behaviors keep the other person from truly knowing that the sex addict is a bad and unworthy person.  The sex addict controls what the other person knows and often keeps the sex addict from facing the pain of his own shame.

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Kevin Leapley, MA, LPC, CSAT

Sexual Addiction Therapist at Front Range Counseling Center

Kevin Leapley specializes in both marriage counseling and sexual addiction therapy for men. Kevin has received specialized training by Dr. Patrick Carnes and obtained his CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist). Kevin has also received extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and is a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist .

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